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Diary of a Cloud vs. Enterprise Software Salesperson – Day 983 of my sales cycle

This hilarious dog vs. cat diary has made the rounds but it’s still pretty funny. If you haven’t seen it before enjoy :-)
It’s followed by my tongue-in-cheek adapted version, diary of a cloud salesperson vs. enterprise software salesperson

Dog vs. Cat diary original version

Diary of the dog…

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Diary of the cat…

Day 983 of my captivity…

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.  Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.  The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant.  I observe him communicating with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now…

Here is my tongue in cheek cloud vs enterprise software salesperson version

Diary of the cloud salesperson …

Day 1 – Respond to RFP. The only environment & pre-req configuration questions are “what browser types do we support?”. Life is good!
Day 7 – Respond to initial enquiry and provide 30 min demo to prospect without leaving my desk. Life is good!
Day 10 – Talking directly with business buyer, the end-users of my application and decision makers. Life is good!
Day 20 – Provide login to 30-day trial version to prospect. No install, no hardware procurement needed or dealing with IT. Life is good!
Day 40 – Prospect finished evaluation early, wants to talk customizations. A real sign of interest. Life is good!
Day 50 – Prospect comfortable with critical customizations, happy to defer others. They love, love the intuitive web browser UI. Life is good!
Day 60 – Informed that we are shortlisted. Wants details on performance and security guarantees which we have covered. Life is good!
Day 70 – Prospect comfortable with SLAs, we are selected. Life is good!
Day 80 – Negotiating with procurement, made minor concessions on price for guaranteed seat volume. Life is good!
Day 90 – Contract signed for 1000 seats with more to come! Life is good!

Diary of the enterprise software salesperson …

Day 983 of my sales cycle …

My prospect continues to taunt me with bizarre customization ideas.  They laugh at the crappy non-browser UI  that I have been given by engineering,  while the other salespeople and I are bombarded with requests for resources to help them install and get the product up and running for the 3rd POC in 6 months.  Although I make my contempt for the process perfectly clear, I nevertheless must comply in order to keep the deal going as it is already flagged as winnable in salesforce.com.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of the large commission of this multi-million dollar deal.  In an attempt to move them along, I once again urge them to call my only reference who will talk.

Today I threatened to pull out of this never ending sales cycle.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little negotiator’ I am.  Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of the decision makers tonight.  I was placed on edge for the duration of the event.  However, I could only imagine them laughing and taunting me as they ridicule my product’s lack of functionality and pathetic roadmap.  I heard later that my exclusion was due to the need to show impartiality.  I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to befriend one of my tormentors by taking him to lunch as he was walking by.  I must try this again tomorrow — but this time, dinner and a strip club afterwards.

I am convinced that my IT champions here are flunkies and snitches.  The Director of IT receives special privileges. He is regularly praised – and seems to be more than willing to return to the viewpoint of the business buyer.  He is obviously retarded.

The one with the “bird like” features is obviously an informant.  I observe him asking planted questions that could only come from my competitors.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  We haven’t even started pricing discussions yet. They are making noises that the TCO is too high with hardware, customizations, install, training and more,  this is in addition to my software licensing.
The spector of them coming back with massive discounting requests may put me over the edge, but I will persist. For now …

I hope you enjoyed this. While tongue-in-cheek it is also my attempt to contrast some of the complexities of a sales cycle for a “traditional” enterprise software vendor vs. the new paradigm of selling applications hosted in the cloud.


Disclaimer: The characters portrayed in this post are purely fictional and bear no resemblence to any people I may have worked with, (or pets I may have met), in the past. No offense is meant to any salespeople on either side.

5 comments to Diary of a Cloud vs. Enterprise Software Salesperson – Day 983 of my sales cycle

  • Ramon – clearly you are relishing escaping from the on-premise world to Cloud City.

  • Moi? I believe the future is cloudy for sure :-)

  • Annette Valle

    Have you been following me and monitoring my transactions.. As a recovering Enterprise Sales Regional Manager having gone SAAS this satire is all to familiar. Fun thanks for sharing!

  • Maysoon

    Very good Ramon – on SO many levels (and clearly explains why I prefer dogs over cats!)

  • Very funny! I wonder how many software companies are working through this transition or wishing they were? On the fun side I think I have a better understanding of the two new kittens that have shown up at my house (yes my lovely wife at work) after the last round of EMEA travels.

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